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“For no matter how much all the earth’s gold hidden in covetousness may amount to, is it not infinitely less than the smallest mite hidden in the contentment of the poor!”
— Soren Kierkegaard
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Loading ...God’s Love: The Story of the Prodigal Son
Posted on March 9th, 2010 by uberlumen.
Categories: Apologetics, Bible Study, Evil and Suffering, Love, Men on the Path, Parenting, Sermons, Spiritual Growth, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage.
Mike Erre gives us a special glimpse into what the parable of the prodigal son truly meant to a 1st century audience. It was an incredible picture of God’s outrageous love for us.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Don’t Worry #3: Accept the Worst Case Scenario
Posted on March 4th, 2010 by uberlumen.
Categories: Book Reviews, Evil and Suffering, Parenting, Spiritual Growth.
In this 3rd segment regarding how to stop worrying, I pull some key points from “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living” by Dale Carnegie. The 3rd key is simple: Accept the worst case scenario.
“Step 1. I analyzed the situation fearlessly and honestly and figured out what was the worst that could possibly happen as a result of this failure.”
“Step 2. After figuring out what was the worst that could possibly happen, I reconciled myself to accepting it, if necessary…After discovering the worst that could possibly happen and reconciling myself to accepting it, if necessary, an extremely important thing happened: I immediately relaxed and felt a sense of peace that I hadn’t experienced in days. ”
“Step 3. From that time on, I calmly devoted my time and energy to trying to improve upon the worst which I had already accepted mentally.”
“I probably would never have been able to do this if I had kept on worrying, because one of the worst features about worrying is that it destroys our ability to concentrate. When we worry, our minds jump here and there and everywhere, and we lose all power of decision. However, when we force ourselves to face the worst and accept it mentally, we then eliminate all those vague imaginings and put ourselves in a position in which we are able to concentrate on our problem.”
“The same idea was expressed by Lin Yutang in his widely read book, The Importance of Living. “True peace of mind,” said this Chinese philosopher, “comes from accepting the worst. Psychologically, I think, it means a release of energy.” That’s it, exactly! Psychologically, it means a new release of energy! When we have accepted the worst, we have nothing more to lose. And that automatically means we have everything to gain!”
“If you have a worry problem, apply the magic formula of Willis H. Carrier by doing these three things: 1. Ask yourself,’ ‘What is the worst that can possibly happen?” 2. Prepare to accept it if you have to. 3. Then calmly proceed to improve on the worst.”
Don’t Worry #2
Posted on February 6th, 2010 by uberlumen.
Categories: Book Reviews, Evil and Suffering, Parenting, Spiritual Growth, Vital Signs of Healing.
As I pointed out in Don’t Worry #1, living in the ‘now here’ is a powerful way to combat worry. In Dale Carnegie’s book: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, his first point is: Live today! Don’t worry/focus on yesterday or tomorrow.
“…twenty-one words from Thomas Carlyle that helped him lead a life free from worry: “Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand.”"
“What I urge is that you so learn to control the machinery as to live with ‘day-tight compartments’ as the most certain way to ensure safety on the voyage. Get on the bridge, and see that at least the great bulkheads are in working order. Touch a button and hear, at every level of your life, the iron doors shutting out the Past the dead yesterdays. Touch another and shut off, with a metal curtain, the Future the unborn tomorrows. Then you are safe, safe for today! Shut off the past! Let the dead past bury its dead. Shut out the yesterdays which have lighted fools the way to dusty death. The load of tomorrow, added to that of yesterday, carried today, makes the strongest falter. Shut off the future as tightly as the past. The future is today. There is no tomorrow. The day of man’s salvation is now. Waste of energy, mental distress, nervous worries dog the steps of a man who is anxious about the future. Shut close, then the great fore and aft bulkheads, and prepare to cultivate the habit of life of ‘day-tight compartments.’ ”
“Tomorrow, do thy worst, for I have lived today.”-Roman poet Horace.
“life ‘is in the living, in the tissue of every day and hour.’”
“This speech contains twenty-six words that have gone ringing down across the centuries: “Take therefore no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” (Matthew 6: 34)
Johnny the Bagger
Posted on December 21st, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Book Reviews, Love, Parenting, Spiritual Growth, Vital Signs of Healing.
We CAN make a difference every moment, every day. God help us to stop and listen for those moments in every day life that we can love and encourage those around us.
Johnny is a grocery store bagger who has Down syndrome. He heard from one of the grocery store people about how people can make a difference but he thought he couldn’t do anything special for the customers because he was just a bagger. But then he had an idea: ‘he decided that every night when he came home from work, he would find a ‘thought for the day’ for his next shift. It would be something positive, some reminder of how good it was to be alive, or how much people matter, or how many gifts we are surrounded by. If he couldn’tfind one, he would make one up. Every night his dad would help him enter the saying six times on a page on the computer; then Johnny would print fifty pages. He would take out a pair of scissors and carefully cut three hundred copies and sign every one. Johnny put the stack of pages next to him while he worked. Each time he finished bagging someone’s groceries, he would put his saying on top of the last bag. Then he would stop what he was doing, look the person straight in the eye, and say, ‘I’ve put a great saying in your bag. I hope it helps you have a good day. Thanks for coming here.’ A month later, the store manager found that the line at Johnny’s checkout was three times longer than anyone else’s. It went all the way down the frozen food aisle. The manager got on the loudspeaker to get more checkout lines open, but he couldn’t get any of the customers to move. They said, ‘That’s okay. We’ll wait. We want to be in Johnny’s line.’ One woman came up to him and grabbed his hand, saying, ‘I used to shop in your store once a week. Now I come in every time I go by–I want to get Johnny’s thought for the day.’ Johnny is doing more than filling bags with groceries; he is filling lives with hope.-excerpt from ‘When the game is over it all goes back in the box’ by John Ortberg
Covetousness, Jealousy, Gratitude
Posted on December 15th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Bible Study, Evil and Suffering, Healing, Parenting, Sermons, Spiritual Growth, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage.
Jeff Pries does a beautiful job teaching us in this sermon on covetousness.
- The 10 commandments are for our benefit. God wants us to know as Christians the path that will benefit us.
- Coveting leads to jealousy which is a painful dead end
- Life is unfair sometimes
- Be grateful for what you have
- YOU are enough!
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Don’t Worry #1
Posted on December 10th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Evil and Suffering, Healing, Parenting, Spiritual Growth, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage.
My kids are worry warts. They are sometimes paralyzed by what if’s and worry about future school assignments etc. How can we educate and comfort our kids AND ourselves? This is the 1st of (I hope) many posts on the topic of worry.
Chapter 11 of Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning is a life changing concept and chapter. The chapter is titled: The Geography of Nowhere. The concept is simple. If we are NOT NOW HERE then we are NO WHERE! So lesson #1 is to live in the NOW. Don’t worry about the future or the past. Live in the Now Here.
“The music of what is happening,” said great Fionn, “that is the finest music in the world.” …The music of what is happening can be heard only in the present moment, right now, right here. Now/here spells now-here. To be fully present to whoever or whatever is immediately before us is to pitch a tent in the wilderness of Now-here. It is an act of radical trust-trust that God can be encountered at no other time and in no other place in the present moment. Being fully present in the now is perhaps the premier skill of the spiritual life.”-Chapter 11, Ruthless Trust by Manning
The Power of Forgiveness: Matthew 18
Posted on December 1st, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Bible Study, Book Reviews, Evil and Suffering, Healing, Men on the Path, Parenting, Sermons, Spiritual Growth, Uncategorized, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage.
I know that I am getting a nudge to post when I am reading a chapter about forgiveness and I also happen to start listening to a podcast on forgiveness. These notes are a summary of a chapter on forgiveness in “You Were Born for This” by Bruce Wilkinson (Chapter 12: The Forgiveness Key), and the podcast is a sermon done by Mike Erre. As always, share your thoughts with us.
Forgiveness is VERY important to God and for us to embrace.
There is only ONE thing that we are called to do in the entire Lord’s Prayer: ”Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors…”-Matthew 6:12
God, as represented by the King in Matthew 18, gets angry with those He has forgiven of an payable debt refuse to forgive others of a very small debt:
“…so My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trepasses…”-Matthew 18:35 (see also Matthew 6:14-15)
What will God do to us if we don’t forgive? He will ‘hand us over to the torturers’ (Matt 18:34). What?! What does this mean?! It means that God turns His people who refuse to forgive others over to the painful consequences of their own unforgiveness until the person, from their heart, forgives others their trespasses (debts). We will torment OURSELVES until we open our hearts and forgive.
3 key points to remember:
- Jesus: “Jesus forgave you. You can choose to forgive others.”
- Justice: “Vengeance belongs to God, not to you or me.”
- Jailer: “You are your own jailer. Your torment won’t end until you forgive. Then it will end immediately. You will be free. And that is what God wants for you.”
2 gifts occur when we forgive:
- “The person who brought injury has been forgiven…”
- “and a person who offended God by not forgiving has also been forgiven…” (see this post for a powerful story about this interchange)
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
To Quell or not to Quell your Emotions?
Posted on November 24th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Evil and Suffering, Healing, Men on the Path, Parenting, Sermon Notes, Spiritual Growth, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage.
In reply to the post on emotions, we got a posted comment asking: How to quell your emotions? Here are some thoughts….
To quell or not to quell?
To Quell: YES! Join the crowd of men with distant non-emotive fathers from a family of origin of quellers. This is me. I am a queller. I have been well trained in the art. I even get a small whiff of emotion and I run for cover. The problem: Quelling leads to men (and women) who don’t know what to do with their emotions. We try to stuff them down deep, hide them, pretend they don’t exist, cover them with logic and hard work, but they are there in a very powerful way. We hide them only to realize that they direct so many of our actions. Even worse, the queller is prone to incredible outbursts of emotions often acting shocked, “Where did those come from?!” Under extreme stress emotions boil over into rage and angry explosions.
The queller has been trained in the art of disconnect. We are the superhero’s that are calm powerhouses of intellect and logic within our families of origin that are unraveling by alcohol and dysfunction. Robotic, we move through life seemingly unphased. Our war cry (sorry whisper): “I don’t need people! I don’t need emotional connection!”
When in reality that is what life is ALL about: Connectedness, relationship. Only when I was dropped to my knees by catastrophic circumstances in my own life was I finally forced to lean on my wife and others. And it was extremely painful for me to reach out to others.
Not to Quell:
“…listening to your emotions ushers you into reality and reality is where you meet God”-Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
This is the way of true life: Knowing and embracing the reality of our emotions. The key is to be aware of what I am feeling, being aware of my emotions because otherwise we let our emotions fester and smolder and control us.
How do we listen to our emotions? How do we embrace and welcome our emotions as the window to reality?
We need to learn to get into a rhythm with our emotions. A few ‘tricks’ can be used. The first is called ‘tagging’. Recognize when anger, frustration, and other emotions are starting to boil and ‘tag’ then to discuss and retrieve them at a later time. Develop a pattern or rhythm of checking in with your spouse or close friend to discuss these ‘tagged’ emotions. The other ‘trick’ is to recognize your emotions before they overtake you. Recognize the situations and times when you can start to feel your emotions bubbling over and intervene at that moment. Recognize and analyze why the situation is giving you that emotional response. In time, this approach will allow you to acknowledge your emotions and address them in healthier ways rather than waiting until they sneak up and explode on you and those around you.
Finally, what can I do when my emotions (anger, frustration, etc) start to boil over? Here is the challenge as Teresa Avila said, “…learn to sit in the weeds (of your emotions)…” What is God trying to say to me through this emotion? Why am I feeling this emotion in this situation? What is the emotion saying about me? Emotions are simply a guide. Take a ‘time out’ to listen to God’s whisper, and remember that He is ALWAYS whispering to YOU that He loves and adores and DELIGHTS in YOU!
Emotions
Posted on November 18th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Book Reviews, Healing, Men on the Path, Parenting, Spiritual Growth, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage, medicine.
“Emotions are the window to reality.” Really? I have not bought into that. Why? Probably because I was raised to be out of touch with my emotions. I strive at being non-emotive. But it turns out that emotions and their physiological effects play a key part in our decision making.
Why do police departments generally do not allow their officers to participate in high speed chases? What is the cause of most medical errors? Answer: Emotions. Really? Yes.
In Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink, Gladwell points out that there is a physiological response to stress/fear/anger/ie our emotions. One of the findings reported by a police officer who has studied police shooting incidents has found that when we are stressed and our heart rate goes about 145 beats per minute we start to lose our ability to reason, think clearly, etc. There is a sweet spot to stress when our heart rate is between 110-145 our body responds by making our ability to think clearly sharper in this heart rate range. Some police departments have banned high speed car chases for this very reason. They have found that the police in a high speed chase are so stressed that they will often respond by being overly aggressive at the time of arrest.
Dr. Groopman in How Doctors Think points out that most medical errors are related to our emotions…
“But what I and my colleagues rarely recognized, and what physicians still rarely discussed as medical students, interns, residents, and indeed throughout their professional lives, is how other emotions influence a doctor’s perceptions and judgments, his actions and reactions. I long believed that the errors we made in medicine were largely technical ones—prescribing the wrong dose of a drug, transfusing a unit of blood matched for another person, mislabeling an x-ray of an arm as “right” instead of “left.” But as a growing body of research shows, technical errors account for only a small fraction of our incorrect diagnoses and treatments. Most errors are mistakes in thinking. And part of what causes these cognitive errors is our inner feelings, feelings we do not readily admit to and often don’t even recognize.”
Life Principle #2: Give Honest, Sincere Appreciation
Posted on November 4th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Book Reviews, Evil and Suffering, Healing, Love, Parenting, Spiritual Growth, Value, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage.
I have been struck by the power of affirmation and appreciation. I have also been struck by the destructive power of criticism.
Recently I tried to encourage someone to always find the good, always look for the opportunity to compliment and appreciate, and never complain or criticize. Their response was, “But if you only knew that person, if you only knew how difficult they can be, and how much criticism they deserve.”
This response misses the point completely! It was only when I dropped the contempt and criticisms did I start to see the gifts in the other person. It is only when you look for the appreciation will the critical spirit in YOU fade away.
It is NOT about the other person; it is about YOU. It is about healing YOUR image of yourself, the world around you, and others.
Our marriages and relationships would truly be transformed if we followed Carnegie’s first 2 principles always leading with this one.
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people…the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loathe to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise… in my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world… I have yet to find a person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”-Charles Schwab
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learned from him.”-Emerson
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie:
- “That is what Schwab did. What do average people do? The exact opposite. If they don’t like to think, they ball out their subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing. As the old couplet says: “once I did bad and that I heard ever/twice I did good, but that I heard never.”-pg 38
- “I once succumbed to the Fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating… I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people who think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days, six weeks, and sometimes 60 years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.”-pg 40
- ” When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, “there is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.” We nurish the bodies of our children and friends and employees but how seldom do we nurish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.”-pg 40 one
- “When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95% of our time thinking about ourselves. Now [just imagine], if we [ could] stop thinking about ourselves for awhile and begin to think of the other person’s good points…”-pg 41
- “Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You’ll be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.”-pg 42
- “Pamela Dunham of a New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing a very poor job. The other employees would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he is doing. It was so bad, productive time was being lost in the shop. Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person. She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work. She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people. Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently. Now he does an excellent job and other people give them appreciation and recognition. Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.”-pg 42
- “Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for. There is an old saying that I’ve cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day: ‘I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not deferring or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.’”-pg 42
- “Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points.”-pg 43
Men on the Path, November 4, 2009: True Success
Posted on November 4th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Bible Study, Book Reviews, Evil and Suffering, Men on the Path, Parenting, Sermon Notes, Spiritual Growth, marriage.
We were in session #3 from a quiet strength a men’s Bible study by Tony Dungy and our question for today is: How is God’s definition of success different from how most people define it?
We looked at five key verses: Psalm 1:1-3; one Samuel 16:7; Micah 6: 6-8; Matthew 22:34-40; acts 1:8; Philippians 1: 21
God’s definition of success is “to live is Christ to die is gain” only when we can die to ourselves can we truly be successful. J. C. Ryle in his book titled Holiness points out what it costs to be a true Christian (to gain true success).
“For one thing, it will cost us our self righteousness. We must cast away all pride and high thoughts and conceit of our own goodness… for another thing it will cost us our sins. We must be willing to give up every habit and practice which is wrong in God’s sight. We and our sin must quarrel, if we and God are to be friends….For another thing, it will cost us our love of ease…we secretly wish we could have a vicarious Christianity, and could be good by proxy, and have everything done for us. Anything that requires exertion and labor is entirely against the grain of our hearts… in the last place, it will cost us the favor of the world… surely a Christian should be willing to give up anything which stands between him and heaven…A religion that costs nothing is worth nothing! A cheap Christianity, without a cross, will prove in the end a useless Christianity, without a crown…”-pg 82-86
“We must seek to have personal intimacy with the Lord Jesus, and to deal with him as a man deals with a loving friend. We must realize what it is to turn to him first in every need, to talk to him about every difficulty, to consult him about every step, to spread before him all our sorrows, to get him to share in our all our joys, to do all as in his site, and to go through every day leaning on and looking to him.”-pg 113
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Life Principle #1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, Complain
Posted on October 27th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Book Reviews, Love, Parenting, Spiritual Growth, Value, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage.
I continue to revisit a book and audio book that I wish that I had memorized when I was younger: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
Time and time again I have found myself using (or trying to use) his principles in my marriage, parenting, and other relationships.
Recently I have had conversations about affirming and its counter–criticizing your spouse. I have seen and heard about a wife or husband who continually criticizes their spouse. I have been a master at this myself. For the most part, I have made a major effort to STOP completely this process. It is a waste of time, and it turns out to do the opposite of what you want it to. We seem to think that by giving ‘constructive criticism’ the other person will improve, but they don’t. In fact, they seem to do MORE of the actions that we want them to change!
2 things: 1. The more you affirm and not criticize; the MORE likely their behavior will change! 2. Don’t try and change your spouse; just love them the way they are!
Principle #1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, Complain
- “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.”
- “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment….B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.”
- “Lincoln…had learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility.”
- “The secret of…Ben Franklin’s…success? ‘I will speak ill of no man…and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
- “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain–and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
- “As Dr. Johnson said: ‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.’ Why should you and I?”
Head Injury in Kids
Posted on October 26th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Parenting, Vital Signs of Healing, medicine.
This is a VERY common concern that I see at work. ”My kid has fallen and hit their head.”
This article clarifies that the VAST majority of head injuries in kids are nothing to worry about and do not need imaging.
Kids under 2: If they have “normal mental status, no scalp haematoma except frontal, no loss of consciousness or loss of consciousness for less than 5 s, non-severe injury mechanism, no palpable skull fracture, and acting normally according to the parents”, then they are at very low risk, and they do NOT need imaging.
Kids over 2: If they have “normal mental status, no loss of consciousness, no vomiting, non-severe injury mechanism, no signs of basilar skull fracture, and no severe headache”, then they are at very low risk, and they do NOT need imaging.
They obtained a total of 14,969 CT scans and only 0.1% needed neurosurgical intervention.
Wear a HELMET!
Posted on October 17th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Parenting, Virtue, Vital Signs of Healing, medicine.
My ENTIRE family wears helmets when they ride bikes, skateboard, razor, etc. I started wearing a helmet after I saw an 11 year old girl die before my eyes when I was in training. She was roller blading on her street and a car at low speed hit her. She tore one of the main arteries in her brain, and you could see the blood gushing out of her nose–it was very graphic and memorable. Wear a HELMET!
I am always amazed at how few kids wear helmets in my neighborhood even when driving around in the motorized scooters. Wear a HELMET!
I just received an email about a kid who was not wearing a helmet and fell off his skateboard and had multiple skull fractures and a severe concussion. This is what his mom said in her email: ”If there is a lesson as a parent that Mark and I have taken, it is to hug your child every day and look at them for the perfect creatures that they are, and as a true gift from God. Don’t sweat the small stuff, because life can change in an instant! And, . . . to make them WEAR A HELMET, even if they think they are too cool. That includes us as parents, as I will be purchasing myself one before our next bike ride. So to my friend Patricia, who I always see riding with her helmet on and giggle, I will soon be in your club!”
Wear a HELMET!
Reunion Relationships
Posted on October 16th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Evil and Suffering, Healing, Love, Men on the Path, Parenting, Spiritual Growth, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage.
It finally happened. They found me. I wasn’t hard to find although I have been missing since I was a little boy. They knew me when I was ‘in my prime’ or so they say. I abandoned them once as I transitioned into a different social group. I was added to their brief email banter just prior to our 20th college reunion.
I am no different than all the rest. Men don’t do relationships well. We lack the gene or we are raised within environments that continue to perpetuate the small talk training, distant/missing father figure woundedness that continues the cycle.
Although my dad and I have been through counseling together (shocking, awkward, and painful–really you should try it) and connected in deeper ways (yes, we even hug, at times!), it still amazes me how quickly we fall into small talk going on and on with the safe, meaningless discussions of the weather as if there is any weather to talk about in Southern California.
My freshman roommate had found my email and folded it into the rest of my dormmates email list to reunite just prior to the reunion. I faded from their lives while I was still in college when I joined a fraternity, and since college, I have faded from my fraternity fellows as well.
Have I learned how to relate. Not much. Do any of us? 2 of my closest friends know when my relationship receptors have maxed out. One of them will even cut our conversation short and say, “I’ll call you later.” (knowing that I have shut down and tuned out). My other friend asks, “Is the turtle’s head out of his shell today or not.” (funny and sad)
Most men really do live alone. Yes we are married with kids, co-workers, and a few buddies, but we are still alone with no one to share our fears and hopes. I can share story after story of men who have told me that they are ‘buddies’ or ‘close friends’ or ‘best friends’ and who are convinced that they know each other well. But with some deeper sharing time, I find that they don’t REALLY know each other at all. This is no fault of their own. It is in our genes and from our environment, our upbringing. We major in the minors of small talk–sports, weather, politics, etc.
If there is anything that I have learned over 20 years, it is simply that I don’t do relationships well.
About 10 years ago, I took a risk and stepped out with my wife and shared with her my final ’skeleton’ in my closet of secrets, and our marriage has been transformed from good to truly amazing.
About 7 years ago, I took a risk and stepped out with a friend of mine and shared some of my deepest hopes and fears, and he didn’t laugh or run away, and our relationship is now one of those unique, transformational relationships: you can turn to in time of crisis, tell ALL, and share ALL.
About 5 years ago, I took a risk and slowly developed another transformational relationship with another friend.
About 3 years ago, I went to counseling during a crisis time in my life. It was awkward, stressful, but important. I learned a great deal about myself, and how I was ‘trained’ to disconnect, never to show emotions or need to be connected. But in a time of crisis, I found the importance of my wife and my friends–thank God that I had developed those deep, intimate relationships! ”Emotions are a window to reality.” At least that is what my counselor told me. I am still working to understand that reality.
Do I know anything about relationships? Not really. But I am so thankful that I took risks. My relationships with my wife and my 2 ‘best friends’ continue to grow—far too slow for them–but for the turtle–they are moving at just the right speed.
Regrets? A few. Learnings? Yes. Hopes? That my friends would take risks, do the hard work, lean into their relationships–in the end–it is ALL that matters, and when the going gets tough (as I have learned it WILL), there is nothing like a friend and a wife who are by your side laughing and crying with you.
Advice. Be more vulnerable, take more sharing risks, take the time to develop your marriage (it is HARD work, and easier to go to work for many of us…but it is worth it–this I DO know.) and find a friend who you can relate to and start to do the tough, awkward work to develop a true relationship.
I am not enough!
Posted on October 15th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Evil and Suffering, Healing, Love, Men on the Path, Parenting, Spiritual Growth, Value, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage.
I am NOT enough! My eyes have FINALLY been open to this reality. Most of us have this ‘wound’ but we just don’t know it. I have written a brief summary of my learnings to help us all to learn from our past so that we may grow spiritually and emotionally in the future:
“Drew, can you be 1st base coach?” How hard could that be? The player’s are only 5 years old so all I had to do was point them in the direction of 2nd base, say, “great job!”, and my job was done. Or was it? My dad came up to me afterwards and said, “You know that you could have coached them more.” How many times has your mom or dad told you that you could have done a better job at something? Well at 35 years of age, my dad’s comment went on deaf ears until I mentioned it in passing to my wife. She thought his comment was significant, and comments such as those can have a lasting impact especially when you are young. When she said this, I shared with her those times when I was young that my dad would critique one of my school projects, and he would insist that I throw it out and start all over.
More recently, I followed my father-in-law’s advice and bought a new barbeque from the exact same store and arranged the details of the delivery just as he instructed me. I proudly mentioned to him that I had left just the right amount of money on top of the old bbq so the delivery man would willingly take it away when he delivered the new bbq. When I showed off my new bbq to my father-in-law, I couldn’t get the propane tank hooked up to the bbq because my new bbq had a different attachment than my old one. My father-in-law said, “Oh, I always have the delivery man make sure and hook up the propane tank to the bbq before they leave to make sure that it works.” Finally, I recently had the pleasure of trying to pass a kidney stone. Not wanting to miss any work, I arranged to have it extracted during my vacation time. In passing, I mentioned to my retired father-in-law that I had only missed 1 day of work in 11 years. He said, “I missed 1 day of work in 30 years.” Have there been times in your life when your mom and dad have ‘zinged’ you (probably not even knowing that they had)?
Our dad’s (sometimes our mom’s) tell us over and over again as we are growing up—You are NOT enough! In so many subtle and not so subtle ways. This is the wound that so many men (and women) carry with them. It creates a fiercely critical spirit, a chip on our shoulders, and abrasive arguments when anyone tries to give us “constructive criticism”. We become our dad. It was only recently that a friend pointed this “I am not enough” wound out to me. It was life changing to begin to process what it meant, how often I responded to my wife and others because of it, and how to learn and grow from it.
There are many practical ways that knowing about this wound has transformed my life. In the past when I would write an article, I would immediately ask my wife to proof read the article for me. When she would quickly use the red marker to slash and destroy what I thought was an almost perfect article, I would respond in a fury. Now I see that I was only responding to my childhood experiences of not being enough. My wife now knowing my wound has taken it upon herself to help heal my wound. When I ask for her to proof read anything that I have written, she will affirm me, put it aside for at least 24 hours, and then she will slash away with her red marker. It is amazing how quickly I become unattached to my work, and then can handle her critiques and edits much better.
My wife and I have an amazing marriage, but we have our share of arguments. To my surprise, most of our arguments revolve around my “not enough” wound. We argue because I feel that she has told me that “I am not enough”. It can be simply because she told me that I loaded the dishwasher the wrong or that I should drive around the block again so my oldest son will be late to a birthday party because he does better when he is not the only kid there. Yes, believe it or not this can set me off because I feel she is critiquing my driving and my favorite mantra that being early is one of life’s valuable secrets.
Two things have occurred since my “wound” was discovered. Our arguments still occur, but they are much shorter and often end in laughter. A less obvious by-product of my discovery stems from my wife’s repeated comment, “Ok already, I got it. You are not enough. When will it stop being about that!” The wound is now so obvious and so prevelant that we both can laugh about it. I have been healed enough through the process to laugh and with my wife’s encouragement to even tell myself, ‘Get over it!’
Piercing the veil to our hearts
Posted on September 28th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Evil and Suffering, Healing, Love, Men on the Path, Parenting, Spiritual Growth, Vital Signs of Healing, marriage.
How David Beats Goliah: HARD Work, Listening, & Great Coaching
Posted on September 8th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Book Reviews, Parenting, Spiritual Growth.
I have thoroughly enjoyed Malcolm Gladwell’s writing. I recommend all 3 of his books: Tipping Point, Blink, & Outliers. He also has a website which contains much of his articles/writing. I found this very interesting and, at times, inspiring article about Basketball, hard work, coaching, and life.
Let us know your thoughts.
Brown Widow Spiders
Posted on July 15th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Parenting, medicine.
Who knew? We found a brown widow spider on the outside of our garage door AND we found one at our kids school! So they are definitely out and about. Be aware that when your kids are ‘hunting’ the huge orb spiders that come out in October every year that they could run into one of these. Has anyone else seen these? brown-widow(link to article from Emegency Medicine Journal)
Age old wisdom from Junior Guards
Posted on July 12th, 2009 by uberlumen.
Categories: Parenting, Spiritual Growth.
At the end of summer Junior Guards Banquet, the Junior Guard Instructors picked a boy and girl that they felt exemplified being a Junior Guard. EVERY single one of the instructors said 1 of 3 things about each of these boys and girls. These boys and girls showed 1 of 3 things that made them stand out among their peers:
- They were ENTHUSIASTIC.
- They were ALWAYS SMILING.
- They ALWAYS said THANK YOU.
Too simple? No. That is ALL it takes!